Last week NPR’s Fresh Air linguist Geoffrey Numburg addressed “false apologies.” Referring to politicians and celebrities, he noted three typical “non-apologies”:
- Claim that you’ve been misinterpreted.
- Apologize for the response to your words or action.
- Apologize with a contingency; these apologies are “laced with if’s, any’s, and may-have’s.”
Numberg, who is no friend to conservative thought as far as I can tell, is absolutely right. When, for example, you apologize for offending someone, you are not apologizing. In fact, it seems that the very point of that kind of apology makes you out to be guiltless and the person you wronged the guilty one. They are the one with the problem; they were offended.
We as Christians should be marked by true apologies, not only in “on-line conversations,” but at home as well. When we have done or said something wrong, we should acknowledge it as such, and take full responsibility for our actions. On the other hand, if we believe that we have done nothing wrong, it is far better that we say nothing at all, than to offer a half-contrite “sorry for offending you” or “sorry for the ill I have caused.” Neither of these acknowledge any guilt, and are not apologies. When we are wrong, we should admit our error, and, if anything, explain why what we did was wrong. Apologies are not supposed to make us look good.
Good post.
While I am not interested in defending the precise uses of the words “I’m sorry” and “I apologize,” I did like what Dr. Zempel taught us about the difference between the ideas of “I’m sorry” and “I apologize.” He said if you come around the corner and accidentally bump someone, spilling coffee on him, you would do well to say “I’m sorry,” assuming it was truly accidental. Forgiveness is not needed.
But if I have sinned, then I need to say, “I apologize.” And I can’t remember who taught me this (it might have been John Tuttle) but as you point out, “I apologize” should be followed by “for ______,” and most important, “Will you please forgive me?”
The latter is what is almost always missing, even from the most sincere-sounding apologies.
Thank you, Todd, for adding some nuance to my post.
[...] Ryan Martin with a short but thought-provoking piece on apologies [...]
Amen! One of the best ways to let a conflict fester is through the judicious use of a carefully crafted non-apology.
Is it right to say “I’m sorry that you were offended”? That separates it from apologizing, but we can be truly sorry that someone is offended by something, can we not? If we weren’t wrong, we certainly cannot and should not apologize. But we can be sorrowful that a true statement has caused a problem, even if the problem is someone elses. Or am I missing something else here?
I do think we throw about the “apology” way too loosely, and way too often it is not followed by “Will you forgive me?”
At this point, I do think there is a distinction between “I am sorry” and “I apologize for _______.”
I suppose that someone could be truly “sorry” that they offended someone, but that assumes they have a distinction in their mind between an “apology” and “being sorry.” If they were truly “sorry” under the stipulations you give, I would imagine that the conversation proceed very differently. Not many people like to be told that it is really “their problem.”
Usually when I hear (or read) that phrase (”sorry I offended you”), the individual in question is making an effort to appear contrite, but as I have said (and you agreed with me on this) the problem ends up being with the other person. The individual wants to sound like he’s apologizing, but really he’s merely saying “Hey, this is your problem.” It often appears duplicitous to me.
Larry,
I’m sorry you misunderstood Ryan’s point.
I haven’t found this effective!
“On the other hand, if we believe that we have done nothing wrong, it is far better that we say nothing at all”
Would Prov 15:1 have application here? “A gentle answer turns away wrath”
Thanks, Jim, for stopping in.
That line was intended not to be taken literally; the key words are “far better.” I am not trying to say “don’t say anything” as much as I am trying to say, “do not offer false apologies.”
Of course, one can speak kindly to a person who is angry. You could even say, “I should not have spoken so harshly to you” or “I should not have said that.” There is no need to phrase the apology in such a way that you are assigning blame to the other party. Even if they are to blame, the purpose of an apology is to confess personal wrong doing.
If the person accepts your apology, they may well offer one of their own. If they’re not in the mood to accept an apology, a half-way apology will only make them more angry.